MARCH 16

Things have only gotten worse. I ran into Miss B today, while she was out walking with some friends. She was kind enough to walk alone with me for a short while. I mentioned to her that she had recently changed her behavior toward me.

"You must understand, Werther, since the day of the gathering, people have continued to talk about you in such terrible ways. I knew, from the moment I saw you at the count's, what was going to happen. I knew that people would not accept you and that you would eventually be asked to leave. I have suffered a lot myself because of it!"

I felt my heart rise up into my throat, but I held back my tears and managed to say, "What do you mean?"

She was crying a great deal now. "My aunt is terribly embarrassed because you and I are friends. Her level in society is the most important thing in the world to her. She had nothing but terrible things to say about you. And I'm afraid that I could not argue against her, for she would not have listened or understood."

It felt like she was pushing a knife through my chest every time she spoke. According to her, things will only get worse. People will continue to be cruel toward me. I have become an enemy to high society and they are now mine, as well. I still have not managed to calm down since this conversation. I have heard about a special breed of horse that will bite one of its veins in order to let the blood flow freely. It helps them to feel better after they have run very hard. I, too, sometimes have the desire to cut myself in order to free my spirit.

MARCH 24

I have just given the court a letter indicating my desire to leave this job. I feel that I can no longer provide satisfactory services for the ambassador. Please tell my mother in the gentlest way possible. She will be disappointed, for she had very high hopes that I might one day become a minister myself. Do not try to change my mind, I have already decided. I will be spending the next month or so with the Prince of ... , for he has invited me to stay at his home for a time. He and I get along quite well, so I am certain that all will be fine.

APRIL 19

I appreciated getting your two letters. I did not write you back sooner, because I wanted to hear the court's decision first. Well, they have approved my resignation, although they did not want to. Thankfully, the crown prince gave me some money to get by on for a short while. Therefore, I will not have to ask my mother for any help.

MAY 5

The time has come for me to go from here. Since my hometown is not far, I plan to stop there for a short time. I will visit the home my mother and I sadly left after my father died. Goodbye, Wilhelm. I will write you soon.

MAY 9

I went to my hometown and was surprised by the feeling it gave me. I exited the carriage right at the village's edge, so that I could walk and slowly allow my memories to return. I passed a favorite tree of mine where, as a child, I used to sit and dream about all the things I hoped to do as an adult. It was painful to come back to that place without having done any of those things.

The town was different from before. I liked it less now. Many of the old, beautiful gardens had been replaced by new, less interesting ones. My elementary school had now been made into a store. The market was still there, however, and a flood of memories came into my mind as soon as I entered it. How precious my past suddenly seemed to me. Everything I looked at brought back a different memory and feeling. When I followed a path I used to like walking along as a child, I came upon a stream. I remembered how I once tried to guess the many far away places that it would pass. It made me think about how much bigger people's imaginations must have been hundreds of years ago. They could not go to distant places. They must have thought of the world as endless. When they wrote about distant lands, they were truly wondrous; their emotions were very real. The more we seem to learn about our world, the less passionate we are about it.

The prince and I are spending a lot of time together at his hunting lodge. I like him. He is a good man, but he has a few friends here, whom I am not sure I trust very much. They aren't bad men, but they're not exactly the type of men with whom I can be my natural self. Anyway, the prince seems to like me and respects my knowledge and artistic abilities. I always feel disappointed when people like me for this reason, instead of liking me for my nature. I feel that anyone can have knowledge and talent. What makes us all so special is our nature ... our heart.

MAY 25

I never mentioned it to you before, but I actually came to stay with the prince because I had planned to join the army. I mentioned this plan of mine to him the other day and he immediately suggested against it. His reasons for giving me such advice were quite good. I would have been a fool not to agree with him. I shall have to make other plans.

JUNE 11

Although you would probably not approve of it, I have decided to leave the prince. I feel that I am wasting my time here. He is a very kind fellow, but I find our discussions quite boring and dry. After one week, I will move on.

I have been drawing a great deal lately. I am happy with my work, but it is very troublesome to hear the prince speak about art like a textbook. He appreciates art, but not in any personal way. He only repeats things that he has read in books, while I speak so much from my heart.

JULY 16

I have begun my next adventure in the world. I still have no idea where I will go.

JULY 18

I continue to wander about the country, trying to find the right place for me. However, I know that, in truth, there is only one place for me. I want very much to live close to Charlotte again. I want that more than anything in the world. I grow happy just thinking about the possibility. I must follow my heart, for that is the only way to happiness.

JULY 29

If only she and I could be married! God, I would thank you until my dying day! I am sorry to cry like this. I am sorry to beg for such impossible things. But, oh, what a dream! To be with her ... to hold her! It hurts me so much to see Albert touch her!

I know, Wilhelm, I would make a better husband for her than Albert. He does not understand her, nor does she understand him. So many times, when reading a book, I feel like the story is about Charlotte and myself. Our minds and hearts are so similar. However, I must admit that Albert does truly love her dearly. Is that not enough for him to deserve her love?

Damn! Someone has come knocking at my door. I must stop here. I will throw some water on my face and hide the fact that I have been crying. Goodbye, dear friend.

AUGUST 4

Many men in the world suffer in the same way I am suffering. Everyone has their dreams, and few actually have them come true. I went to see that woman in Walheim I met a long while ago, while drawing her children. She did not seem happy. I asked her what was the matter. She replied, "My youngest boy died recently." I did not know what to say to her. "And the money my husband was supposed to receive was never given to him. He returned with nothing. And he has been quite ill ever since." Again, I could say nothing to comfort her. I simply gave her a little money and then went away, feeling terribly sad.

AUGUST 21

I admit I am guilty. I sometimes wish that Albert would die, so that Charlotte and I could finally be together. For just a brief moment, I feel hope for my future, and then, realizing the horribleness and hopelessness of the idea, my sadness quickly returns.

Returning to the road that first introduced me to that angel of a woman, I find that everything is so different now. I feel like a king standing in front of the wonderful castle that once was his, only to find it now silent, empty, and in bad condition.

(end of section)